Steady in the Storm

Jesus modeled this kind of care with Bartimaeus. Even though his need seemed obvious, Jesus asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51). The question made room for Bartimaeus to speak for himself. You can do the same with a teenager. Ask before assuming.

Quick check: Before answering a charged question, ask yourself:

• What did I feel when I heard this? - What am I tempted to defend? - What question could help me understand?

A student who says, “Why does God allow this?” may be wrestling with grief. A student who says, “Church people are hypocrites,” may be testing whether you’ll become defensive. A student who says, “I don’t believe any of this,” may be asking whether doubt will cost them belonging. You don’t need to guess perfectly. You do need to stay present.

Practice the Pause Before You Answer

Materials needed: A notebook or printed page, a pen, and one recent conversation you remember clearly. Time required: 12-15 minutes.

This exercise helps you notice your own triggers and build a short listening response before you give an answer. Finish all five steps. You’re done when you have written one trigger, one possible deeper concern, three clarifying questions, and one opening response.

1. Choose one conversation. Pick a recent moment when a teenager raised a charged or confusing topic. Use a real conversation, but remove names and identifying details.

2. Write the spoken question exactly as you remember it. Don’t improve it or make it sound more organized. Write the student’s actual words.

Your Turn

Student’s words: ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

3. Name your first reaction. Complete this sentence: “When I heard that, I felt…” Then name what you wanted to do next. Did you want to correct, explain, defend, shut down, or change the subject?

My first feeling was: __________________________________________ My first impulse was to: _______________________________________

4. Write two possible questions beneath the question. Keep them tentative. Use phrases such as “I wonder if…” or “Could part of this be…”

Possible deeper concern 1: _____________________________________ Possible deeper concern 2: _____________________________________

5. Write three clarifying questions and one opening response. Your questions should invite the student to explain rather than force a yes-or-no answer. Your opening response should communicate that you’re willing to listen.

Clarifying question 1: ________________________________________ Clarifying question 2: ______________________________________ Clarifying question 3: ______________________________________ Opening response: ____________________________________________

> Completed example > > Student’s words: “Is the Bible really true?” > > My first feeling was: nervous. > My first impulse was to start proving that it is true. > > Possible deeper concern 1: “I wonder if this student has heard something that challenged their faith.” > Possible deeper concern 2: “Could they be asking whether I’ll judge them for having doubts?” > > Clarifying question 1: “What brought that question up today?” > Clarifying question 2: “Are you asking about something you read, or something happening in your life?” > Clarifying question 3: “What feels hardest about this question?” > Opening response: “That’s an important question. I’m glad you brought it to me. Tell me more about what’s behind it.”

Now read your opening response out loud once. Listen for defensiveness, panic, or a lecture hiding inside it. If it sounds like you’re preparing to win, rewrite it so the student has room to continue.

Your Turn: The ten-second pause

Before your next difficult conversation, use this short pattern:

• Notice: “I’m feeling defensive, afraid, or rushed.” - Breathe: Take one slow breath before speaking. - Ask: “What brought this question up?” - Listen: Let the student finish without building your answer in your head.

Mark the exercise complete when you can say your opening response without adding a correction immediately afterward. That small pause can change the whole direction of the conversation.

Use Clarifying Questions in Real Conversations

When a teenager raises a charged topic, begin with curiosity rather than a speech. You might say, “What makes you ask that?” or “What part of this feels most confusing?” These questions are simple, but they keep you from answering the wrong question.

Suppose a student says, “I don’t want to come to youth group anymore.” You could respond, “You need to be committed.” Or you could ask, “What happened that makes youth group feel difficult right now?” The second response doesn’t approve every choice. It gathers information before judgment. The expected outcome is clarity: you learn whether the issue is boredom, conflict, embarrassment, bullying, family pressure, or something else.

Suppose another student says, “My parents are fighting, and I can’t handle it.” Don’t rush to a tidy spiritual answer. Ask, “What happens when they fight?” and “Do you feel safe at home tonight?” If the student discloses danger, follow your safeguarding procedures and local reporting requirements. Listening is not a substitute for action when safety is involved.

You can also use a simple three-question pattern during normal youth group conversations:

1. “What happened?” 2. “What did that feel like for you?” 3. “What are you hoping will happen next?”

These questions help separate facts, feelings, and hopes. They also echo Jesus’ question to Bartimaeus: “What do you want me to do for you?” A student may want advice, prayer, practical help, or simply a safe adult who won’t react badly. Ask instead of assuming.

Apply It

Choose one upcoming setting where students often bring up difficult topics: a van ride, small group, Sunday hallway, or one-to-one meeting. Write the setting below, along with one question you’ll use to slow yourself down.

Setting: _______________________________________________________ Clarifying question I will use: ________________________________ What I hope to learn: ___________________________________________

After the conversation, record one measurable result: Did the student speak for at least two uninterrupted minutes? Did you identify the main concern? Did you agree on one next step? Write one sentence before the day ends.

Result: _________________________________________________________

Plan Your Next Listening Conversation

You don’t need a perfect answer to become a safer person for teenagers to talk to. You need a practiced pause, honest curiosity, and the humility to ask another question when you’re not sure.

Before your next conversation, choose one phrase you can use when a student surprises you: “Help me understand,” “What makes that important today?” or “Are you looking for an answer, or do you need me to listen first?” Then use it before offering advice. Your goal isn’t to keep every conversation going forever. Your goal is to understand enough to respond wisely and notice when more care is needed.

Use these questions to prepare. Write at least two complete sentences for each.

Reflect

What topic or phrase tends to trigger me into defending, correcting, or speaking too quickly? What do I usually fear will happen if I don’t answer right away?

____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

When a teenager asks a question about faith, family, identity, or pain, what deeper concern might I be tempted to miss? What clarifying question could help me check my assumption?

____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

What is one conversation this week where I will practice being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry? Name the setting, the student’s likely need, and the first question I’ll ask.

____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

A steady youth pastor doesn’t need to have every answer ready. Sometimes the most faithful first response is a calm face, an open question, and enough patience for the real question to finally come out.

End of chapter one. 7 more chapters and about 12,313 words in the full book.