Becoming Less Of An Asshole

The Day Tanya Blamed “Their Attitude” (and Paid for It)

Tanya, 34, a customer success manager, had one of those days where everything felt personal. A customer snapped in an email - short sentences, sharp wording, the whole “wow, okay” vibe. Tanya’s first thought wasn’t “What do they need?” It was “Who hurt you?” She could practically hear the tone dripping through the screen.

So she fired back with her own tone. Not full-on rude, but definitely not warm. She wrote it like a counterpunch. And then - surprise - nothing improved. The customer escalated. Her manager asked why the relationship was “taking a hit.” Tanya wanted to say, “Because they came in hot.” Instead, she swallowed it and did the quiet work of damage control.

That’s the tension, right there: you can feel justified while you’re actively making things worse. So when you mess up, are you going to blame their attitude - or own the asshole identity that created your response?

Stop Blaming Others: The Mirror-Choice Model for Taking Ownership

Here’s the core shift, clean and blunt.

Old Belief: “If they hadn’t acted like that, I wouldn’t have responded like this.”

New Reality: “Their behavior triggered me, but my choice is what made me an asshole.”

The “Mirror-Choice Model” is simple: when you feel yourself slide into rude behavior, you hold up the mirror. Not to judge the other person - nope. To see what version of you showed up. Then you make a choice on purpose.

Tanya did exactly what most of us do: she stared at the customer’s tone like it was the crime scene. She didn’t look at the part where she added heat to the fire. When she finally owned her role, she didn’t become a doormat. She became accurate. She rewrote her next message like this: same facts, calmer framing, and one clear next step. The customer still wasn’t thrilled, but the escalation stopped. The relationship didn’t magically become sunshine. It just stopped being a public argument.

Why does this matter? Because blame is addictive. It gives you relief for about five seconds - “I’m not the problem” - and then it steals your power. If you keep treating other people like the steering wheel, you’ll always be surprised when you end up driving off a cliff.

And if you’re thinking, “Cool, so you’re saying I’m responsible even when they’re wrong,” yes. I’m saying your behavior is yours. Their behavior is theirs. You don’t get to control their attitude. You do get to control what you do with your own.

The Mindset Shift That Stops You From Turning Into the Worst Version of You

The reason blame keeps you stuck is because it lets your brain avoid the real work: noticing the moment you chose disrespect. That moment is usually tiny. It’s not a dramatic villain monologue. It’s more like - your thumb hovers over send, and you can feel the heat in your chest. Your inner voice goes, “They deserve this.” That’s the fork. That’s the mirror.

When you don’t own it, you build an identity out of reaction. You start believing you’re “just responding.” You become the kind of person who’s always one bad interaction away from becoming sharp, cold, or dismissive. And you’ll call it “honesty” or “boundaries” or “real talk” like those words make it okay. Sometimes it’s not boundaries. It’s ego defending itself.

Here’s what changed for Tanya: once she looked in the mirror, she stopped trying to win the tone war. She started aiming for the outcome. That’s how you get less rude without having to pretend you’re a saint.

Signs this “blame the other person” pattern is running your life

1. You can replay the other person’s words like evidence. You don’t just remember what they said - you use it to justify what you did next.

2. You wait for them to change before you feel calm. If your mood depends on their behavior, you’re not choosing - you’re reacting.

3. You call your behavior “honest” when it’s really just unfiltered. If your goal is to be understood, you’ll sound different than if your goal is to make a point.

4. You keep “fixing” after you’ve already damaged the relationship. That damage control is expensive. It costs time, trust, and your own self-respect.

Own the trigger, then choose the response

You don’t control what happens to you - but you control the version of you that shows up after it.

Reflection That Tells the Truth (Without Letting You Off the Hook)

If you want to stop being rude, you need an honest identity. Not a flattering one. The kind where you can say, “Yeah, I did that,” and still be willing to do better next time.

So here are a few questions that actually cut through the self-protection:

1. What did I want in that moment - resolution, respect, or revenge?

If your answer is “revenge,” don’t dress it up. Acknowledge it plainly. Then ask what “resolution” would have looked like in the same situation.

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