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Chapter 2: how this made me feel.

The events that happened during this period made shrink my self. I always felt like the world was looking and people can see. Always felt like I deserve pity from people and people feel sorry for me when they see me. I put a blind eye on everything even when I had to correct something I didnt because I knew if I did someone will remind me of how my mother is when she is drunk or how I went to bed with an empty stomach or with just porridge.

I enjoyed being invisible and I mastered hiding and being invisible. Every year there was functions at school I only attended one and that was it for 6 years in primary I would always be ashamed that I am not attending. When kids are celebrating and happy I would be so embarrassed and sad and I knew already that I won’t be part of those year end functions. Yes there are other kids that were not going but for me my other friend was going and I wanted to go too.

I learned to accept what I have and I don’t afford beautiful things. When there was parents meeting I knew other kids parents would show up but mine won’t and I also learnt right there. I learnt to accept things and situations at that age. I resented God every night I’ll go to sleep and ask if he is alive and why are we suffering. Our grandmother taught us how to pray and how to read the word. I will try to pray sometimes and other times i will sleep and insult God for allowing us to face shame and be a laughing stalk at a young age. I wanted a hiding place joining the dancing club while I couldn’t dance, joining choir while I could not sing, joint foot ball club while I don’t even understand position was a way for me to escape the loneliness of staying alone and finding something that people can shift their attention to except for me. This was my strategy. Everyone in the village knew about me. Every teacher at school knew.

They tried to involve social workers but I refused to testify against her. Everywhere you go someone is looking at you with pity. Your mother is talk of the town and that also took a lot from me. From my worth and from my childhood. I wanted to be seen like any other child and people talk to me without asking about her. She would come back drunk from town and cause chaos in the bus. Monday at school that will be on every learner’s tongue. I learnerd to be unbothered and pretend like it doesn’t hurt.

That is how I coped with everuything that had been happening, and that stopped them from using that against me. It helped me survive middle school. Even though deep down I was ashamed but outside I will always comment like it didn’t matter.